A. | DO TELL

I lost my virginity at age 17 to my boyfriend of two months. He was sweet, he went slow, and as time passed by we started trying different things—but always only if I was ready. I felt happy and satisfied doing it, felt like this was the perfect way to discover my sexual self.

Yet I was troubled with the paranoia of possible pregnancy and other questions left unanswered. Health class had always told me to use condoms—and we always did, so I thought we would be fine. Yet I found myself frantically running downtown to the store to buy a morning after pill after the condom broke. There I was, 17-year-old me, judged by the woman behind the counter who mentioned that “I looked too young,” but after an emotional plea gave me the pill anyway. It messed up my cycle, but made me feel relieved.

It saddens me still to this day that my mother does not know, will never know, about my sex life. She never asked she never told me anything—I discovered it myself. She would kill me if she knew I was having sex at 17, the first in the family. Scandalous, slutty. I just do not understand how our society both motivates and suppresses female sexuality. What am I supposed to do? Why aren’t we more open, why don’t we talk, why don’t we protect our daughters by informing them?

6sex positive, medical shaming, morning after pill, consent, condoms, sex, shaming, virginity, contraception, shame, The Cost of Shame, Cost of Shame, gender expectations, slut shaming, Do Tell, submission,

M., 29, London, U.K. | DO TELL

Trigger warning: mentions emotional and physical abuse

I grew up in Tokyo, a half-Japanese, half-American girl. Sex wasn’t discussed unless in scandalized whispers about expats who were intrigued by the outwardly sexually repressed society covering a “depraved” sexual voracity. At international school, we learned that sex=love. My Japanese mother—who escaped marrying a man she didn’t love and found an American man who made her feel safe—showed me that the Western values with which I was inculcated are not mine. Ironically, we could never actually talk about these values, especially about sex.

Though I didn’t know it, I loved sex. By eight, I was touching myself, and at 10 made a friend who also enjoyed physical contact and exploration (she’s now a successful porn star). We’d have sleepovers and explore our bodies—pinching, sucking, rubbing. I became, for lack of a better word, a nymphomaniac with an oral fixation; I want sex multiple times a day, and I love giving head.

The next time I met someone with a similar appetite I was 21, he was 30, and it spiraled into emotional and physical abuse. Although we started relatively normally, things changed drastically after a year. He confused and manipulated me, equally getting mad and being loving no matter what I did. It was tiring. When the black eyes interfered with work, I thought about leaving. It took another 2.5 years, a bogus engagement, and 5,000 miles between us for me to end it.

It’s been four years, and I’m now realizing there are others like me. Right now, I’m just enjoying learning to trust someone sexually and having the best orgasms. He eats me out whole-heartedly—sometimes burying his face until he can’t breathe. We’re still figuring out tying each other up, our fetishes, and playing with wax. The sex is fantastic; since he gets off on me getting off, I can be selfish and know he’ll get off when I do. It’s liberating. And, because we both have oral fixations, we’re constantly going down on each other. No confusion, no mind games, and so far, no black eyes.

6abuse, sex, oral fixation, oral sex, fellatio, cunnilingus, cultural difference, emotional abuse, trust, early sexuality, orgasm, self exploration, kink, BDSM, fetish, Do Tell, submission,

S., 29, Scotland | DO TELL

Trigger warning: describes molestation and abuse

I had an unfortunate introduction to sex and to men. A virgin at 15 (unlike many of my peers), I was molested by a friend’s stepdad. I’ve still never told anybody.

At 16, I was shy, awkward, and low on self-esteem but hung with a dodgy crowd (I still have a preponderance for wrong-doing) and was (I see now) incredibly, vulnerably beautiful. Ripe to be made a victim of. The one to take advantage was a petite joker of a guy seven years my senior, at first seemingly harmless compared to his burly mates that my friends were dating. That was a very clever façade and after “shedding” my virginity with him, he made the next year of my life a hell of verbal, psychological and sexual abuse.

Cut to 10 years later, and after a decade of picking up men and “using” them for sex, cultivating a fierce, ice queen demeanour that I was rather proud of, I had still never experienced an orgasm. I thought there was something wrong with ME—too cold, too broken, wired wrong. Most of the men I’d been with had made me feel like that.

Then, in the most unexpected circumstances, came T., a man overflowing with issues and drama but who I had an insane sexual attraction to: couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, he consumed my thoughts. Against all advice, we finally got together and the two month period I spent with that man was the most enlightening, awakening thing ever to happen to my sexuality. He could make me orgasm all over, again and again, until my eyes and my toes and my entire soul filled with stars. He was a penniless stoner, semi-alcoholic, behaved like an alpha in public but when we were alone together, he emptied his whole self into me.

And now I know and understand what sex can be, what a man can be, what I can be. 2.5 years on, I’ve never found anyone to match him. He is hard to move on from, but worth pain. So worth the pain.

6abuse, molestation, self-harm, target, self-esteem, virginity, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, orgasm, pleasure, relationships, exploration, shame, The Cost of Shame, Cost of Shame, Do Tell, submission,

G. | DO TELL

Trigger warning: mentions domestic abuse, trauma, and self-harm

I was groomed to be submissive due to extreme violence in the home. We were expected to shut up, do what we were told without argument and with expediency to avoid a beating/verbal abuse or things really getting out of hand. I dreaded being touched and fought if it was attempted. When I left home, I felt I was obligated to have sex with almost anyone who demanded it; I’d just shut down and lie down. This was the best I would ever get—love was out of the question, so I might as well grab it.

I was sexually out of control—get drunk, fuck strangers who I never wanted to see again. I had a professional job, but my private life was a mess, and I hid it from others. I had separate spheres of friends who never mingled—from work friends to different groups of anything goes crowds where I was free to play out my demons without censure. I put myself in dangerous situations with terrible consequences but still made it to work.

Sex was my entry into relationships. The closer I got to someone, the more distressed I became: insomnia, night terrors, self-harm, unresponsive dissociation, disappearing for hours, just walking away from dinners, parties, etc. without telling my partner.

Sex was power. At home, I was the ugly one. My father hated having to look at me. Everyone in the family accepted this was true. That anyone would want to have sex with me proved I was desirable. I craved the initial physical thrill but then felt dirty nothingness afterward.

Age has brought some grace with therapy, meds, better boundaries, and compassion.

6abuse, domestic violence, verbal abuse, self-harm, sex, relationships, dissociation, age, shame, The Cost of Shame, Cost of Shame, Do Tell, submission,

J., 23 | DO TELL

I’m 23 years old, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over four years, and we’re both still virgins. We’re not overly religious, that isn’t the reason. We just haven’t. As we started dating and moving further along sexually, I got nervous and told him I wasn’t ready for sex yet. He was completely fine with it and said that he was really happy with our relationship and didn’t want to jeopardize anything.

So to get by, we performed oral on each other as an alternative to vaginal sex. We’ve been doing that for four years now, and not to brag, but we’ve both gotten amazing. We know each other’s likes and dislikes inside and out, we can make each other numb and paralyzed from pleasure. We get pretty kinky with it, too.

Most people don’t understand why we wouldn’t just “stick it in”, but we have enjoyed the pace we’ve set. I just hate the stereotype that just because I’ve never had a penis inside me that I’m a prude or afraid of sex. I have a very healthy sex life, even if others may not define it as textbook sex.

We’re in talks of going to the next step and are figuring out birth control options together. This has brought us so close, and it’s really nice feeling like you’ve charted your own path and not necessarily what everyone thinks you should be/are doing.

6PIV, virginity, sex positive, oral sex, fellatio, cunnilingus, comfort, pleasure, sexuality, relationships, expectations, shame, The Cost of Shame, Cost of Shame, trust, communication, contraception, consent, autonomy, Do Tell, submission, medium,

M.K., Hungary  | DO TELL

I lost my virginity when I was 15. Wasn’t a particularly bad or good experience. Had my first orgasm with a guy at the age of 17. I was controlling the whole thing, and for the next 15 years I had a good time whenever I had sex with him. Thought I knew my body, thought I knew its limits, accepted them. I thought it was enough for me to be together with my partner once a month because that was his schedule.

And then boom, last year I met someone who showed me a completely new side of me, and ways to enjoy sex on a whole new level! So now I know I can have more than two orgasms in one setting, there is a G-spot and female ejaculation… And I want to have sex every day. I don’t regret my last 33 years but wish I could have discovered myself sooner.

6sex, orgasm, self acceptance, g-spot, exploration, female ejaculation, virginity, relationships, multiple orgasms, pleasure, Do Tell, submission,

A.R., 23, Denver, Colorado | DO TELL

When I was 19, a guy asked me out on a date. After picking me up, he took me back to his place because he “forgot” to check movie times. Right after we looked them up on his computer, we made out and went to his bed. He got my shirt off, but I was on my period so I stopped him from going further. He asked why, and I felt weird about saying I was on my period, so I said, “I just can’t.” He continued to ask, “Why? Are you a virgin?” and when I said yes, he REALLY wanted to take that from me. I told him no and that I wanted to go home. I wasn’t sure how to feel because I enjoyed making out with him but felt uncomfortable with the rest.

When I was 20, I ran into a high school acquaintance in college. He invited me to his dorm to “catch up”, since we hadn’t seen each other since high school, but “catching up” was code for “I want a handjob.” He also asked if I was a virgin, but didn’t want to take my virginity as much as he wanted his own sexual pleasure. I gave him a handjob but felt uncomfortable afterward and immediately left. Again, I was unsure how I should feel.

I lost my virginity at 21 to my boyfriend at the time who was the first guy to ask me for consent and value my pleasure as much as his. I noticed he had some expectations of me that I didn’t meet, such as having a completely shaved vagina or being more flexible than I was, but this made it a learning experience for him. My first time with him hurt REALLY bad, but he was patient with me, taught me things he likes, and we took time to get to know each other sexually. I am now 23, but sex is still a new world to me. One thing I know for sure is I wish I had more than abstinence-only education growing up.

6consent, rape culture, shame, sex, virginity, pressure, expectations, painful sex, abstinence-only education, relationships, Do Tell, submission, medium,

A.S., 30, Newcastle, United Kingdom | DO TELL

When surveys ask my sexuality, I put bisexual, but I never say this aloud. I’m in a long-term straight relationship. Sex is good, sometimes rocketingly fantastic, and has actually improved with time (it certainly helps knowing your partner inside out, so to speak). I have never had sex with a woman, only teen make-out sessions which are blistered in my memory.

Read More

6queer, bisexual, sexuality, pubic hair, desire, in the closet, female sexuality, masturbation, attraction, sexual identity, sexual orientation, shame, fear, Cost of Shame, The Cost of Shame, Do Tell, submission,

Anonymous, 28 | DO TELL

I met K. in university, and he was the first guy I ever felt strongly about. I was 20, and he liked me too. But we never got much beyond acquaintances. I was very shy, but had he just talked and made me comfortable around him, I would have been OK around him, OK around all his friends and harem of girls that called me “bitch” when they didn’t think I’d hear. Eventually, I didn’t care anymore. He just never made any effort, and when I finally did, he had already decided I was boring. Yet there was this huge attraction I felt between us.

K. affected me in so many ways. But even though I didn’t really know what love was, he was my first love. At 26, I met a new guy, A. I am 28 now, and A. and I love each other. But we have never had sex because A. is Muslim and doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. I am a virgin and am tired of rubbing against him, even though I will not have sex with a guy who I cannot trust and does not value me. A. is so special me but I wonder if sex between us will be good. He often hurts me when we make out, and he is not good at foreplay. He picks his sins, just not the right ones, sometimes.

I still think of K. often. But he doesn’t love me. That was eight years ago, and I didn’t mean much to him then. A. loves me. I am ashamed to think about K. when A. loves me so much. 

6religion, shame, sex, attraction, desire, virginity, foreplay, communication, The Cost of Shame, Cost of Shame, relationships, fantasy, unrequited love, Do Tell, submission,

M.F., 25 | DO TELL

I used to love one-night stands. And I was good at them, too. I loved the intense and almost taboo connection with another person, the excitement, the lust, and, well, the sex. But even more than that, I loved the fact that it was temporary, transitory. I struggle with commitment, and not just in terms of romantic partners. I move around a lot, a traveler by lifestyle, and I’ve always thought of commitment as something that ties you down. But at the same time, I’ve always been comfortable with my sexuality and the fact that I love sex. So one-night stands were the perfect solution. And I’ve had a lot of them. I’m not ashamed of that and I’m not proud of it; it’s simply how I’ve lived my sexual life.

But lately? Lately, I’ve been wanting something different. It’s not like all my friends told me, “you’ll change when you meet the right man.” I still have no desire to be tied down. But frankly, I’m tired of bad sex. Only a small percentage of one-night stands live up to the anticipation. Yeah, the excitement is amazing, but when you get down to it, the sex is often disappointing. You can’t really rock someone’s world if you don’t know that person, know his/her body and what turns that person on. You need the little quirks that you learn from really knowing a person. You need to know what they like and what they want without being told. And you—well actually, I shouldn’t say “you.” I don’t know you. But I need a level of respect, and above all, trust, to really let go. That just can’t be earned in five hours.

My kink used to be one-night stands. Now it’s the idea of knowing another person completely, body and mind. That, to me, sounds sexy as hell.

6casual sex, one-night stand, sex, pleasure, taboo, sex positivity, sexuality, self knowledge, change, intimacy, kink, desire, Do Tell, submission, medium,

J.W., 23, Chicago | DO TELL

Twenty years is the age difference between my current guy and me. We fuck like mad, though. I’ve had a whole lot of sex, but he’s by far the most intense, most satisfying so far. It’s rough and gentle and beautiful. He holds me close and pulls my hair. I tell him I love him, but once I dragged my nails so hard and deep across his chest, I drew blood. I licked his wounds, tasted his blood. A few nights ago, I rode him like the world was ending. Afterward, he said, “I didn’t think there were any surprises left for me, but you blew my mind. I have never been fucked like that in my life.” And he never will be, by anyone else. We fuck each other stupid, silly, beautiful. Roughly, gently, patiently, eagerly.

6age difference, rough sex, sex, pleasure, love, relationships, desire, Do Tell, submission,

Anonymous | DO TELL

Trigger warning: describes rape

I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I didn’t even want to be his friend. Because I wasn’t interested like the other girls, it drove him crazy.

I was home from college and working during the summer. He would talk to me all during my shift, even if it was time for him to go. He became easy to talk to and made me laugh. He then tells me “I don’t mess with small girls. They don’t know how to handle it.” Excuse me? This man didn’t know me from Eve, how do you know what I “can take”? I was now intrigued, very intrigued.

The first time, I shocked the living daylight out of him. “He’ll never talk about short, small women again,” I thought to myself. Sex with him was great. He fulfilled me, even though I never had an orgasm. I trusted him and knew he would never hurt me. I even trusted him enough to not use a condom.

Read More

6rape, STI, safer sex, unprotected sex, consent, sex, trust, abuse, manipulation, sexually transmitted infection, herpes, condoms, Do Tell, submission, medium,

P.J., 43, Portland, Oregon | DO TELL

Trigger warning: mentions abuse

My first experiences involved an abusive older man. When I found the strength to get away from him, I was fortunate that my next partner was also a virgin and we loved each other. It was easy to feel safe and experiment without pressure. I was able to take this into my next relationship with a man who’d had more partners but less healthy experiences. It allowed me to be more assertive and to encourage him to explore what he liked or was curious about.

That relationship ended in my early 30s. It was challenging to find that most men had never developed healthy relationships with their sexuality, and I felt more pressure to be a certain way or do certain things than I had ever felt in my teens.

In my 40s, I have found I love my sexuality but enjoy it more on my own than with partners who still seem to come from a place of shame and immaturity about their bodies. My rule: if you can’t talk about sex, you shouldn’t be having it.

6abuse, sex, safety, trust, immaturity, communication, sexual health, shame, The Cost of Shame, Cost of Shame, masculinity, Gender Roles, pressure, Do Tell, submission,

Let’s Have An Open Dialogue About Sexuality That Completely Validates My Point Of View f

For the record, there’s plenty of stuff on Do Tell that does not represent my point of view! The whole point of the site is to create a space for diverse experiences.

But I do appreciate the satire over at Clickhole. How flattering!

-Melissa for Do Tell

Source: subjectified

6Humor, sex, Clickhole, satire, sex positivity, The Onion,

Anonymous, 21, Sweden  | DO TELL

Trigger warning: describes rape

Sex has always been an open topic at my house, so I never needed the “sex talk”. My mentality was, sex isn’t a big deal! Even before I had it. But I didn’t want to lose my virginity, like my friends before me, with random guys. So I got a boyfriend thinking that would be a safe bet. That’s the proper thing to do, right?

After four months of “dating”, I finally decided that I’m an adult and should start acting like one. I thought I was ready and that I had done everything right, but when I said no, changing my mind before my innocence was given away, he took it by force.

It wasn’t until four years later that I met my current boyfriend and could enjoy sex and stay in the moment. But still to this day, I have great difficulty saying “no” or “stop” if something feels wrong. I took me six years to say, “I was raped by my boyfriend when I was 15 years old.”

Don’t just talk about the mechanics of sex. People should talk about the feelings surrounding it as well.

6rape, relationships, sex negativity, sex, virginity, emotions, expectations, trust, dissociation, honesty, shame, The Cost of Shame, Cost of Shame, Do Tell, submission,

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